What happens when you put jelly in a toaster?

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It gets jammed.

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Our amazing culinary expert and endearing commentator Liz contributed this latest “About page” joke. Thanks, Liz!

We accept all corny jokes here. For free!

It’s not actually a rule that Liz’s contributions must have food references. However, consider it a statistical near certainty. I should not neglect to mention that Liz also provided the following deadpan annotation: “Hysterical laughing ensues.”

Which I hardly think necessary, since all of you must already, having read that uproarious contribution, have ejected beverage streams and food projectiles through your nose, clutched your sides desperately, gasped hoarsely for air, and–though you might not have literally rolled on the floor–at the very least experienced alarming and unsightly convulsive attacks upon it. In short, there is not need to state the obvious, Liz!

And yet, we are not just about laughs around here, by any means. We also like to indulge our analytical propensities when the need arises, and Liz’s toaster/preserve conjecture is no exception. To whit: would our hypothetical viscuous preserve truly obstruct the ejection mechanism of a toasting apparatus? Contra Liz’s assertion, we propose instead that the preserves in question would not in fact jam the device, though they certainly might lead to a short-circuit which would impede its function, or even render it useless. However, we advise readers not to test either conjecture experimentally.

Though these may seem like nitpicking technical quibbles, we think, quite to the contrary, that it is vitally important to clarify the chain of causation when it comes to hypothetical malfunctions of toasting apparati.

Having gotten that off our chest, we also invite you to pull up a chair, “stick” around, pour yourself a drink, have a “toast,” and enjoy our musical and comic “jam” sessions! We hope they don’t “jar” your senses too badly, but we do hope that something “gels”!

UNIVERSAL CONCURRENCE POLICY
All links provided at this blog take you to places where I am 100% in agreement with whatever is written there, including anything written in any comment area. Where a difference appears between my own statements and any words found elsewhere, they are right and I am wrong. Where a difference appears between any two people within a linked site, whoever wins rock-scissors-paper is right. Where the people concerned are not available to play rock, scissors, paper, you are directed to play it with a friend or acquaintance, with each of you serving as a stand-in for one of the contested writers. This policy guarantees that everyone will get along very well, and that the truth value of all assertions shall be established.

UNIVERSAL CONCURRENCE POLICY LIABILITY WAIVER
Wdydfae assumes no responsibility for effects arising from any implementation of its Universal Concurrence Policy outside the virtual or physical jurisdiction of wdydfae. Wdydfae does not encourage or condone the adoption of its Universal Concurrence Policy in these or any other possible venues. Wdydfae, in specifying its Universal Concurrence Policy protocols, is not in any way recommending their adoption beyond the formal confines of the wdydfae electronic venue. Description of wdydfae’s Universal Concurrence Policy protocols should NOT in any way be taken as an act of promotion or dissemination, and wdydfae hereby disclaims all responsibility for these or similar protocols whether in identical, abridged, amended, or expanded form should they appear in any other physical or virtual venue. By nodding your head vigorously after reading this statement you do hearby agree to waive any and all legal rights to hold the wdydfae virtual domain liable in any way for mayhem or misunderstanding resulting from any implementation of its Universal Concurrence Policy, or any similar interpersonal compatability protocol, in any possible setting, at any date or time in the future.

Thank you.

28 responses to “What happens when you put jelly in a toaster?

  1. amb

    This cracked me up. One of the more creative “About” pages I’ve come across – well played!

  2. wdydfae

    In fairness to amb, her comment above was a reaction to the previous joke, which I updated. Whether the present effort would evince such a positive reaction I cannot say.

  3. Liz

    love a policy that guarantees that everyone will get along very well. Can I have copies of your contract for my kids to sign? We’ve tried the rock-paper-scissors thing, but it always ends with “I win, you lose, now you got a big bruise” after which the winner hits the loser. I ask you: How is that getting along? Please send your papers directly.

    • wdydfae

      I think your children will especially appreciate the automatic “You’re right and I’m wrong” component.

      I’d like to send you along official copies, however that is not permitted under the wdydfae liability guidelines, which state,

      Wdydfae assumes no responsibility for effects arising from any implementation of its Universal Concurrence Policy outside the virtual or physical jurisdiction of wdydfae. Wdydfae does not encourage or condone the adoption of its Universal Concurrence Policy in these or any other possible venues. Wdydfae, in specifying its Universal Concurrence Policy protocols, is not in any way recommending their adoption beyond the formal confines of the wdydfae electronic venue. Description of wdydfae’s Universal Concurrence Policy protocols should NOT in any way be taken as an act of promotion or dissemination, and wdydfae hereby disclaims all responsibility for these or similar protocols whether in identical, abridged, amended, or expanded form should they appear in any other physical or virtual venue.

      I hope I am being sufficiently clear. Thank you very much for your understanding and cooperation.

      • Liz

        Sufficiently clear as in none of it made sense, but it cracked me up and that counts for something. You’re most welcome–understanding and cooperation are two of my strongest traits. (apparently my kids have yet to develop them, though)

        I will keep checking back here for knock-knock joke change-ups. Very clever.

        p.s. are you a technical writer by trade? That contract language is golden.

  4. wdydfae

    Nah I just like mimicking stuff for kicks.

    Hey Liz, if you have any favorite jokes (knock knock or otherwise) I can work them into this about thing when it gets refreshed. I think it’s just about due, too.

    • Liz

      will keep that in mind–I have a 7- and 10-year-old’s brain to pick for knock-knocks, so might be able to come up with something. Am honored to be asked.

      Lol your legalese. Am hiring you now as my official lawyer for any and all contractual obligations into which I enter.

      • amb

        Me too, please! Not that I need one … not that I have to worry about getting, like, restraining orders filed against me from certain other bloggers, or anything ….

  5. Pingback: New Friday Feature – with Special Appearance by Carson Daly! | words become superfluous

  6. Dave ⋅

    I can’t believe I’ve never read your about page before. You won me over with the Armageddon joke and kept me hooked all the way through 🙂

    • wdydfae

      Thanks! You missed all my other bad jokes! I keep changing them.

      If you know any “good bad” ones, please share. (Maybe I could solicit ideas amb style, and have a big dramatic set up and announcement at the end! “And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, yes, the winner, in our ‘Best Worst Knock-Knock Joke’ category, whose contribution will be immortalized–for at least a coupla months–on our About page, the winner iiissssss . . . .”)

      • Dave ⋅

        Haha, it’s late so I’ll have to sleep on it … but bad jokes are definitely one of my strong points 🙂

  7. Liz

    Speaking of knock knocks, my kids had the tv on this morning, and I caught this little ditty. Further evidence that everything can be found in the book of Yoo T’oob.

    Content Warning: It’s insanely stupid. The Tempura kids have no competition here.

    • wdydfae

      That’s Yoot Oob! Sometimes shortened to T’Oob (from Teh Vidz of Yoot Oob).

      No but seriously, D’awwwwww! That is so durned cute!

      Though I think it tends to support the view that, as a genre, rap has officially jumped the megalodon.

      • Liz

        my sincerest apologies to Yoot Oob. Am obviously not a follower.

        I think it’s a horrible video–knock knock, rocks, and brother roosters? (though put that way, it sounds like a joke just waiting to happen)

        And I’ve learned something from you AGAIN as I just googled megalodon. Nice 🙂

  8. Liz

    can I Like this page again? Hilarious, diddy. You have outdone yourself in such a way that you came all the way around and went under the funny radar to over it again and then all the way through and hoo boy, that was a good one. So much technical food talk, but you did have a point about that short-circuit thing. (Have you seen the movie Short Circuit?) You have a certain food phyiscs thing going on here. Oh dear, I am rambling and babbling and it’s because amb has been generous with her coffee and those friendly neighbors recently brought over a sack of chocolate-covered coffee beans so there you have it.

    Thanks for shining your spotlight on me and the jam joke. It looks much better on your page than it did in the Rugrats book my daughter brought home from the library.

    On another only slightly related note, amb is making plans for us. Would you be interested in co-hosting a vintage cocktail party with me over at WBS? More to come on that, but just warning you that she took your “ok sure why not” seriously 😉

  9. Liz

    p.s. way to go with all the food puns–Dave would be so proud 🙂

  10. amb

    Oh for crying out loud. I don’t visit for a few days, and I miss the “About” page renos? And food puns?! And “Rugrats” references?!? Serves me right. I’m with Liz – can I like this page again? Or upgrade to “love”???

    And yes, I am totally planning something for you and Liz, and I totally took your “sure why not” as complete and completely enthusiastic consent. You’ve been warned! Can I email you at the address associated with your blog comments? Or is there another one you’d prefer I’d use? You don’t have to list it here – you can email my blog directly at amber.superfluous@gmail.com if you’d prefer.

    • wdydfae

      Great! My agent Arty Brontowski should be contacting you sometime soon. Arty’s a good guy. Don’t let the voice volume and the bad breath put you off!

  11. Where a difference appears between any two people within a linked site, whoever wins rock-scissors-paper is right

    The superior (and legally iron-clad) “Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock” is legal in 37 states and most Canadian provinces, and is under consideration in the EU. Has your country recognized the efficacy of RPSLS?

    • wdydfae

      Well, my country won’t let me see your clip! But I went and hunted down a seeable version. Good one!

      I’m ashamed to say I haven’t seen BBT yet, but I will. Every clip I see makes it look better and better.

      • If your country won’t let you see that clip, then your country obviously does not respect the power of RPSLS and must be destroyed for the good of all nations.

        Speaking of which, seen Pacific Rim yet?

      • wdydfae

        No, but I saw your review! Even the cynical guys at Red Letter Media like it. But I’ll probably wait till it gets to the rental shops or broadcast tv. It’s just the way I do movies. No excuse for it.

        I’d love to hear your thoughts on Kamikaze Girls after you see it.

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